Introducing sex toys into your relationship can be exciting, fun, and transformative for both you and your partner(s). But like any new element in your sex life, it can also bring up a mix of emotions—curiosity, excitement, or even uncertainty and discomfort.
Whether you’re experienced with toys or it's new territory for both of you, taking a thoughtful and open approach will help ensure that adding toys enhances your connection rather than creating tension or feelings of insecurity. In this post, we’ll explore how to start the conversation, the importance of safe words, the joy of exploring together, and how to handle common feelings like jealousy or feeling left out.
1. Starting the Conversation: How to Bring it Up
Talking about sex toys can feel intimidating, especially if you’re unsure how your partner will react. But just like any aspect of your sexual relationship, open and honest communication is the key to success.
Here are some tips for bringing up the idea of incorporating toys into your sexual routine:
Choose the right time and setting. Don’t bring it up in the heat of the moment, when your partner may feel put on the spot. Instead, find a calm, neutral setting where you can have an open conversation. It is possible these conversations can trigger feelings of insecurity, shame, fear, self-esteem issues, etc. If the conversation creates tension or argument, it can be helpful to process in couples and sex therapy. Connect with a Therapist now!
Be clear about your intentions. Frame the conversation around curiosity and a desire to explore together. Try something like, "I’ve been thinking about ways we can have fun and connect even more intimately, and I was wondering how you feel about experimenting with sex toys."
Ask for your partner’s thoughts. Make sure to ask your partner how they feel about the idea. This isn’t a one-sided decision—both of you should feel comfortable and excited about the possibilities.
Tip: If your partner seems unsure or hesitant, ease into the idea gradually. There are plenty of ways to explore together at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you.
2. Using Safe Words: Ensuring Comfort and Trust
As with any new sexual experience, communication and consent are vital. This is where safe words come into play. Safe words are a great way to ensure that both you and your partner feel safe, respected, and heard during your exploration.
What’s a safe word? A safe word is a word or phrase that signals the need to slow down, stop, or adjust what's happening. It’s important to agree on one that’s easy to remember and doesn’t blend into the heat of the moment—something like “yellow” for pause and “red” for stop is commonly used.
Why are safe words important? Introducing toys can bring new sensations, emotions, and vulnerabilities. A safe word gives both partners the ability to pause the experience if something feels uncomfortable or overwhelming without having to explain in the moment.
The use of safe words is not just about safety—it's about building trust. When both partners know they can speak up and be heard, it creates a space where you can explore more freely, knowing that boundaries will be respected.
3. The Point is Exploration, Not Perfection
It’s important to remember that using sex toys together isn’t about reaching a particular outcome—it’s about the journey of discovery and connection. Learn more about OK sex here.
Explore together. The fun of introducing toys is in the exploration itself. Take your time, try new things, and see what feels good for both of you. It’s okay to laugh, experiment, and enjoy the process without the pressure of making it perfect. This is about building intimacy and having fun.
Check in frequently. As you explore, keep the lines of communication open. Ask each other how things are going and what’s feeling good (or not). This turns the experience into a shared adventure where both partners feel involved.
Tip: If you’re both new to toys, start with something simple like a vibrator or massage toy and gradually introduce more variety as you grow more comfortable.
4. Navigating Feelings of Jealousy or Exclusion
It’s completely normal for feelings of jealousy or insecurity to pop up when you’re introducing something new into the bedroom—especially if one partner worries about being "replaced" by a toy or feels left out of the experience.
Acknowledge the Feelings
If feelings of jealousy or exclusion arise, it’s essential to acknowledge them instead of brushing them under the rug. These emotions are natural, and talking about them can prevent them from growing into resentment or discomfort later.
Jealousy over toys? It’s okay. Feeling a bit jealous of a sex toy might sound strange, but it’s not uncommon. One partner might worry that the toy provides pleasure that they can’t, or that their role in the experience is being minimized.
Feeling left out. Sometimes, a partner might feel disconnected or sidelined during toy play, especially if one person is receiving more attention or pleasure from the toy.
Use Curiosity to Reconnect
Instead of letting jealousy or feelings of being left out drive a wedge between you, try using curiosity as a way to feel more involved:
Ask questions. If your partner is using a toy and you’re feeling disconnected, express curiosity instead of frustration. Ask them what feels good, what they’re enjoying, or how you can be part of the experience. This can help you feel more included and connected.
Make it a team effort. Use the toy together rather than leaving one partner as a passive observer. Whether it’s one partner holding the toy or guiding its use, making it a shared experience keeps the connection strong.
Reframe your perspective. Instead of seeing the toy as competition, try to see it as an enhancement that can bring you both new pleasure. It’s not about replacing your connection—it’s about expanding it.
5. Curiosity and Communication Are Key
When exploring toys in the bedroom, the ultimate goal is deeper intimacy, connection, and fun. If at any point you or your partner are feeling uncertain, left out, or disconnected, return to the core principles: curiosity, communication, and consent.
Stay curious. Ask each other questions, explore what feels good, and check in frequently.
Keep talking. Communication before, during, and after is essential to ensure both partners feel included and respected.
Consent. Having each-other’s permission to try different things keeps both partners feeling connected and safe. Learn more about consent here.
The Bottom Line
Introducing sex toys into the bedroom can add excitement, variety, and deeper intimacy to your relationship. But it’s important to approach this exploration with open communication, respect, and a willingness to be curious together. Safe words help ensure comfort, while acknowledging and addressing feelings of jealousy or exclusion helps maintain connection.
Remember, it’s not about achieving some ideal version of sex or having everything go perfectly. It’s about enjoying the process, learning together, and creating an environment where both partners feel included, respected, and fulfilled.
Comments