Communication is often described as the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but for many couples, it's easier said than done. Have you ever found yourself in a heated discussion with your partner, frustrated that they just don’t get it? Maybe one of you speaks up right away, while the other needs time to think before responding.
These differences can lead to misunderstandings, unnecessary arguments, or feelings of disconnection. But what if it’s not about your communication skills—what if it’s about how you each process thoughts and emotions? Understanding the differences between external and internal processors might be the key to better communication with your partner.
What Are External and Internal Processors?
We all have different ways of thinking through things, especially when it comes to complex emotions or challenging conversations. In relationships, the two most common styles are external and internal processing.
External Processors:
External processors tend to think out loud. They work through their thoughts and feelings as they speak, often talking through a problem to reach a conclusion. Their communication is active, and they tend to prefer discussing things in the moment. For an external processor, talking is a way of figuring out how they feel.
Characteristics of external processors:
Often need to speak before they fully understand their emotions
Prefer immediate conversation, even if they’re upset or confused
May appear impulsive in their responses because they speak before reflecting
Internal Processors:
Internal processors, on the other hand, need time to think things over before they feel ready to communicate. They process thoughts and emotions internally, often reflecting deeply before sharing their feelings. For them, silence is part of the process. They need space to gather their thoughts and might avoid speaking until they’re certain of what they want to say.
Characteristics of internal processors:
Prefer to reflect quietly before responding
May need alone time to think through emotions
Can appear withdrawn or unresponsive during tense moments, even if they’re processing
Why These Differences Cause Tension
When one partner is an external processor and the other is an internal processor, communication can feel challenging, especially during conflict or emotionally charged discussions.
For external processors, it can be frustrating when their partner doesn’t engage right away. They might feel ignored, like the issue isn’t important to their partner, or that their partner isn’t willing to discuss things.
For internal processors, immediate conversation can feel overwhelming. They might feel pressured to respond before they’re ready, leading to stress or shutdown. This, in turn, can make the external processor feel even more frustrated, perpetuating a cycle of miscommunication.
Bridging the Gap: How to Communicate Better
Once you recognize these differences in processing styles, it becomes easier to navigate communication challenges with empathy and understanding. Here’s how you can help bridge the gap between external and internal processors:
1. Acknowledge and Respect Differences
The first step is recognizing that your partner processes information differently. It’s not that they don’t want to communicate—it’s that they need to do it in a way that feels natural to them. Once both partners understand and acknowledge these differences, there’s less frustration and more patience.
2. Create Space for Each Style
If you’re an external processor, understand that your partner might need some time before engaging in the conversation. Let them know you’re ready to talk, but give them the space they need to process their thoughts.
If you’re an internal processor, make an effort to let your partner know you’re thinking about the issue, even if you’re not ready to talk yet. A simple, “I need some time to process this, but I’ll come back to it,” can reassure an external processor that you’re engaged.
3. Set Expectations for When to Talk
Sometimes, setting a clear time to discuss things can help both partners feel comfortable. For example, if an internal processor needs time to think, they can suggest coming back to the conversation in an hour or later in the evening. This gives the external processor something to look forward to, rather than feeling shut out.
4. Practice Active Listening
Whether you’re an internal or external processor, active listening is key to better communication. When your partner speaks, listen without interrupting. If you’re an external processor, be mindful not to overwhelm your partner with too much information too quickly. If you’re an internal processor, make an effort to respond, even if it’s just to acknowledge that you’re still thinking about the conversation.
5. Use “I” Statements
Avoid blaming language when discussing tough topics. Instead of saying, “You never talk to me,” try “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk about things right away.” This makes it easier for your partner to understand your feelings without becoming defensive.
6. Be Patient with the Process
Communication is a two-way street, and it takes time to find a rhythm that works for both of you. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you figure out how to balance your processing styles. It’s okay if things don’t go perfectly right away—what matters is that you’re making the effort to understand each other.
The Bottom Line
Communication can be hard between partners, but understanding the difference between external and internal processing can make a world of difference. Whether you think things through out loud or need time to reflect in silence, both processing styles are valid. With a little patience and intentional communication, you can overcome these challenges and strengthen your connection with your partner.
Remember, communication isn’t about getting it perfect every time—it’s about creating a space where all partners feel heard, understood, and respected. Schedule with a therapist today to get assistance building and putting these skills to use!
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